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"Fake Bryan Colangelo" made his first appearance on this blog in April and this seemed like the ideal time for him to make his return and explain how he pulled off the four-way deal with Orlando, Dallas and Memphis that just became official today.
I don't have the time or interest to read all the things that people write about me on the Internet, but I have underlings that report to me daily and have passed on all the criticism and second-guessing that has been going on since word got out that we were bringing Hedo Turkoglu to Toronto. I hear that many of you have had the misguided impression that I was going to renounce all my free agents and leave us with a bench more barren than all of your love lives. (Let's face it. You wouldn't be spending so much time on the Internet if you actually had women in your lives, would you?)
Honestly, I'm surprised so many of you continue to make the mistake of underestimating me. Some of my business associates made that mistake many years ago. To a man, each of them only made that mistake once. And now, many of you are being forced to inghiottire il rospo.
You see, it was never a question of whether or not I would be able to pull off bringing Mr. Turkoglu to Toronto while still keeping my mid-level exception. It was simply a matter of what strings I would have to pull to make it happen. For example, once I learned that Mrs. Turkoglu is quite a fan of musical theater, all it took was a nice dinner at Casa Colangelo and front row seats to a "Jersey Boys" show to convince her that Toronto was superior to Portland in quality of life. (By the way, make sure you see "Jersey Boys" when you get a chance. The music of Frankie Valli is criminally underrated and Frankie never went fuori di testa like Michael Jackson.)
Getting Memphis and Orlando to play ball took a little more olio di gomito — but once I informed their General Managers that I knew the home addresses and Social Security Numbers of their immediate family members, they became convinced that it would be in their best interests to join this transaction. I think there's something in this trade for everyone. Maybe not so much for Memphis, but nobody considers them a real NBA team anyway, so no matter.
Today, I've been told that many of you are still trying to work out how this complicated deal makes sense. Hell, I've been exchanging emails with Mr. Stern's office all morning because even they couldn't wrap their heads around it. Luckily, I've had Larry Coon and Bas Rutten on retainer this off-season — Mr. Coon for his salary cap expertise and Mr. Rutten to take care of any "loose ends".
I see my personal manicurist has arrived so I need to wrap this up. My advice to all of you would be to take this time to catch your breath before my next deal. I can assure you that you won't see that one coming, either. And for all of the impertinent critics out there — including the saccente that runs this website — I offer this sage advice: Have faith in me. I know what I'm doing.
You should also keep in mind that when I offer you advice, it's a very bad idea not to take it to heart. Stay on my good side, and we'll all enjoy many prosperous years with this great basketball team. 
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