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Note: Since a few dumbasses who probably think "The Onion" is real inevitably don't get jokes like this, allow me to be perfectly clear that this is not really Bryan Colangelo making a guest post on RaptorBlog. And on the off-chance you read this, Bryan, please don't have me killed. It's my birthday! Also, I think you're an awesome GM and I'm sure you'll turn this team around.
Dear Toronto Raptors season ticket holders:
Let me begin by expressing my gratitude for your continued patronage of the Toronto Raptors. We aim to provide you with the highest-possible level of family-friendly entertainment at an affordable price, and we look forward to continuing our relationship with you, our loyal customers, long into the foreseeable future.
Now that that's out of the way, I have to admit that this is my least favorite time of year — when I have to meet individually with our premium subscribers to convince them to renew for next season. It's a giant pain in my ass, a huge waste of time, and, to be quite frank with you, it's beneath me.
What exactly do these people want me to say to them? That I'm going to do my best to improve this team and get the Raptors in the playoffs next season? There, I said it. Now will you leave me alone to do my fucking job?
When Richard Peddie first told me this was part of my job, I suggested that this is not the best use of my time and that maybe he could make himself useful for a change and meet with these people himself. Larry Tannenbaum took me aside and said that they tried that before and, not only did most of the people immediately cancel their subscriptions, several people had to be restrained from physically attacking him.
So, no thanks to that bischero, I gotta meet with you people myself. Now, some of you are not so bad. I know the economy's rough and you need to justify spending the denaro (hey, don't blame me you thought Bernie Madoff had "trustworthy eyes") so I don't mind reminding you of the relative entertainment value of the Toronto Raptors experience compared to other options. Sometimes, all I gotta do is get one of our Dance Pack donnaccias to sit on your lap and you're opening your wallet faster than Allison Mathis opened her legs for my franchise player. (Take it from a man who knows, Chris. Always wrap up your cannoli!)
But I gotta say, some of you fuckin' uggiosos work my last nerve with your suggestions about how I should fix the team. "Trade Calderon for Nash, Bryan! Trade Bosh for Dwight Howard, Bryan! I know somebody who will shoot Kapono in the back of the head and dump him in Lake Ontario, Bryan!" Either your suggestions are dumber than Jamario Moon at 4:20pm or I've already thought of them. As for the Kapono thing, you think I don't know somebody who could do that? Fugeddaboutit!
I recognize that those of you who give me suggestions are just trying to help me out. On a certain level, I appreciate that. But if you really want to help me out, maybe you could shine my hand-crafted Italian wingtips, or starch my shirt collars, or tell me where in this godforsaken town a man can get a decent veal parmigiana. (And don't say, "Have you been to Little Italy?" Yeah, I've been there — it's more like Little Shitaly.)
I've also got something to say to all you Internet finocchios who aren't even season-ticket holders but think you have the right to tell me how to do my job. Are you fuckin' kiddin' me? I mean, look at the pagliaccio that runs this "blog" right here. I'm led to believe that he has a wife and two children, which means that, in theory, he's actually convinced a real woman to move into his mother's basement with him and then have sexual relations with him at least twice. I don't buy that for a second. No man who can only get laid by his hand is going to tell me how to run a basketball team.
I don't have time to beat around the bush here any longer, so I'm just going to come out and say this. If you think I'm the least bit worried about ever getting fired from this position, you are sadly mistaken, my friends. If I even narrow my eyes at Richard Peddie, he flinches and shits his pants, on cue. I could go 0-82 five seasons in a row and I'd still have this job if I wanted it. So don't even begin to think that any of you are going to get rid of me until I'm ready to go.
In conclusion, thanks for supporting the Toronto Raptors and I look forward to seeing all of you in the Air Canada Centre next season — especially if you know what's good for you. 
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